a(64 x 231-9)+-22/7 = No Way to Run a Life.

Instead of having answers on a math test, they should just call them "impressions", and if you got a different impression, so what? Can't we all be brothers?– Jack Handey

If you know anything about me, you know that I consider these words much more than a simple quote from SNL's infamous Deep Thoughts. I have this quote hanging in my office, for gosh sakes. For me, this is a Way of Life.

So, imagine my dispair when I realized that it was time to bite the bullet and re-take the CBEST teacher certification test. Notice the phrase: re-take? That's right, I TOOK their nasty little test back in 1990-something. I got a perfect score in the reading/writing portion and my math grade was so low that I STILL failed the overall test. (I imagine them still having my test framed and mounted on the wall in some office as an object lesson to new CBEST employees."Look at this, Fred, it IS possible to get such a low math score that it throws off the entire curve for the state...)
Ah, but,the story gets better.
After failing, I tried to take the test two more times. I couldn't make it to the second test because I had some kind of Toddler Emergency, and I arrived so late for the third test that they shut me out of the building. (STOP LAUGHING! I tell you, these people are Nazis.) Through some twisted set of circumstances that I long ago blocked out of my mind, I ended up owing $60 to the Evil Empire of CBEST. They vowed that if I ever tried to take it again, I would have to pay the $60 plus the fee for the fourth test. I vowed to wash my hands of the whole abusive incident .

I didn't want to be a teacher anyway.

Fast forward 12 years or so. Different year, different state--heck, I've even changed the way I spelled my name. I start thinking about finishing Grad School to get my teaching credential and what do they want me to pass before I can be admitted? That's right. THE TEST FROM HELL.

--Now, if you've ever had the pleasure of taking the CBEST, you'll know I'm joking. The test isn't that bad at all--as a matter of fact, I found the reading/writing part quite pleasant. But, remembering 6th grade math operations. 22 years after leaving 6th grade?! Come on! They obviously didn't know that the whole reason I majored in Journalism in college was that you didn't have to take a math class after h.s. geometry.

So what does God do, in his infinite sense of humor? He places me at a school for 7 years where all I do, over and over, like some horrifying reincarnation simulation, is teach 5th and 6th grade math to students. When I took that test this morning I flew through it and aced every last problem!!!

Okay, I lied about the flying and the acing. Okay, I lied a LOT about the flying and the acing.

But, I think I may have passed.

Of course, that won't take the sting out of the fact that as soon as I logged on to register for the test last month I got a pop up screen like some demonic gremlin from my deep, dark past: "Hello! Our records show you still owe us $60 in testing fees!"

So, I paid them their blood money, but if I don't pass this time, I'm NEVER going back. Really. I mean it this time.